I was over at Steve’s place taking some, um, “compelling” photos of him for my performance at Weird and Awesome with Emmett Montgomery last week.
After the photo shoot, Steve got dressed and began prodding me about the 5K. “When will you know if you’re in?” he asked as forcefully as a topless man in a Capitol Hill apartment with the blinds closed could ask. He reminded me that he’d be my mule, which, given the context–him, half-naked, and me with a camera telling him to “show me his angry face”–didn’t sit so well with me.
“The run is for women, too. Of all shapes and sizes,” Steve continued, which I thought was his way of working the cause-angle; by running this race, we’d be afforded some kind of karmic retribution. Either that, or he reasoned: Brian’s fat, so by default, he has to support other fat people.
But then Steve followed up with, “So there will be lots of ass.”
Less than an hour after leaving Steve’s, my phone buzzed with an email. The subject was “Weight Vest.” It read:
“There’s tons of weight vests on amazon
But they’re pricey. Any rich fools read your blog?”
Before I left Steve’s, we had been talking about how we could make the 5K more “even” since I currently outweigh him by about 60 lbs., only run for buses and will most likely vomit before, during or after the 5K. (If I pull off the trifecta, I should get some kind of prize; don’t you think?)
First, I suggested a backpack, but Steve was worried about his back, which eliminated my second suggestion, “midget,” before I said it. I offered it anyway because Steve was drinking whiskey, and I figured if there was a time to convince him to run a 5K with a midget strapped to his back, it was now. No dice.
Steve brought the suggestions into reality when he admitted that he thought about running with hand weights but didn’t want to look like a tool. I didn’t argue. What’s worse–being the guy running with hand weights or the guy trying to keep up with the guy running with hands weights?
And then, it dawned on me: a weight vest.
I didn’t think Steve would go for it, and then I received his email.
It looks like this is actually going to happen.