My nipples have been sore for weeks now. I know what you’re thinking:
I am not pregnant.
Nor am I PMSing or going through menopause.
No, this is not my nipple, but there is a striking resemblance.
No, I’ve just been cardio-ing my ass off, so I can turn my 95% sure I’m going to run this 5k with Steve into 100%, but before I can do that first I need to get into running shape, which apparently means I must first develop calluses on my nipples. Steve says I need some running shirts, but I’ve been rocking my Under Armour, and it feels like it makes the pain worse.
In fact, after doing an hour of cardio on Saturday, my nipples were bleeding–not gushing blood, more like a hangnail ripped too low on the cuticle that bleeds slowly.
And, yes, comparing my nipples to hangnails creates an image that is as disgusting for you as it is for me.
So, what’s a non-pregnant man to do?
I'm working on my twirl.
Pasties? While potentially upping my sexy quotient, I’m sure the twirling tassels will become all too distracting for me to focus on my cardio.
Band-aids? This is what Steve used to do until one day while jogging back to his apartment after a vigorous run, he noticed people staring and smiling at him. He had sweat so much his t-shirt became see-through, putting his band-aid covered nipples on display for all of Capitol Hill.
If you couldn’t already tell from this blog, I have little shame; modeling my band-aided nipples isn’t a worry for me. It’s what tearing the band-aids off will do to my luxurious chest hair that I fear. Next!
Sports bra?
Uh.
No.
So, runners of the world, what should I do? Help a fat man out.
Brian, you need some Glide! My husband is a runner and he puts this stuff everywhere–I mean EVERYWHERE–to avoid chafing. You can get it at any running store.
Glide!? It sounds like a lubricant. I’m sold! Thanks for the tip. (I suppose there’s a pun in there somewhere.)
By the way, I haven’t had chafing EVERYWHERE, thankfully, but you are seriously making me frightened of what’s to come, Rebecca. Seriously.
Two words: SHIRTLESS. Okay, that’s one word. La Leche League endorses lanolin ointment, which sounds kinda like the Glide, so I’d go wit dat. Good on ya, mate—keep up the good work!
Shirtless? Lisa… trust me… no one wants to see me shirtless. Not even my wife.
I don’t remember signing a waiver giving you permissions to put my band-aid nipple incident on blast. Although, if one person learns to never wear a white shirt when you have band-aids on your nipples, I guess it’s worth while.
I still recommend running shirts, but if that’s still not working for you, I think the best bet is to cut nipple holes in your shirt. Not only will you avoid any nipple chaffing, but you might also start a new trend in men’s fashion.
Is your underarmor tight? My running shirts are 100 percent polyester and my nipples have never felt better.
Sorry, Steve. I thought it was cool. Everyone who will see “Fat Fuck” will know your nipples all too well anyway.
The Under Armour is tight, yeah. I wear it under a t-shirt. I’ll have to check if it’s polyester. Where do you get your shirts? Link me, man.
For the record, I LOVE seeing you shirtless! TMI for the internets? Sorry!
As a nipple-having once-runner, I can attest to the powers of Glide. It’s nasty to cover your body with thick, lubey gel, but effective. And, your nipples will thank you.
I’m a little late to the party, but I would also like to see a shirtless brian, preferably with the pasties, preferably in refrigerator-magnet form. if you could produce those right away i would be most gratified.
If we could make it a scratch-and-sniff magnet, I might be open to it.